92 Days to Go

"Look at the stars,
look how they shine for you
and everything you do,
like they were all yellow."
- Coldplay, Yellow

Its an exercise in futility to dig into a Coldplay song, and yet somehow this song has always reminded me of how I see you. A yellow star has warmth and heat to give life on its side - When I see you smile, talk to me, be there for me, it just fills me up with warmth, and makes me feel alive.  I love you, my star, my sustenance.

This picture is close to my heart, because it was a reunion picture of sorts. I had just returned from a work trip, and both of us went to the Lodi Garden Restaurant straight after my arrival. I can always remember how we took pics everywhere , and only ended up having maybe a pasta in the end. Because for us it was more about hugging and touching and just being with each other, and maybe for the first time not about the food. I vow that every hug of mine will be a refuge for you, and every kiss on the forehead a promise for another hug. Work, career, life... all these things will come and demand our attention, but our embrace, our time spent together, will all be our escape from the world.

We've talked things over and I think we agree that this might be the best way forward. And yet you seem so distant, so silent, it worries me. I think you're going through something that's more than just this conversation we've been having. But I haven't been able to get through to you. Sometimes this distance can be really cruel, because when you need me by your side, when I want to just hold you and ask you to open up to me, I am not there. 

Ps. I remember one of the first promises I ever made to you, and in hindsight, the one promise I have broken the most, was that I would never give you reason to shed a single tear. And yet, I am sure I have made you cry the most in the time we have been together. For a long time I hated myself for it, and it contributed greatly to me being hesitant about taking our next step forward. Because I believed myself to be toxic for you. I cannot say that feeling is gone, but I can tell you that I am beginning to understand the futility of romanticizing things to this limit and making these sorts of promises to you.

Pps. わたしは、あなたを愛しています (Watashi wa, anata o aishiteimasu)