94 Days to Go

"ஒரு நாள் ஒரு நாள் உன்னோடு
இல்லாமல் வாழ்வது
ஒரு நாள் ஒரு நாள் என் வாழ்வில்
இல்லாமல் போகுது."
- விவேகா, ஒரு நாள்

I was listening to the song above today, and it resonated with me at a level that forced me to include it here. These lines translate to "Each day lived without you, is one day less to count in my life." The lyricist is not making a romantic overture here, but pointing out the pain in spending the time apart from the one you love and want your life to be about - the reason could be distance, which we've talked about, or a fight, or even the pure frustration at the helplessness of circumstances.

I want to spend my Diwali with you. I want to explore the beaches of the Hague with you. I want to come home from work to your arms. I want to go watch theatre in London with you. I want to drive you to the grocery store and debate which type of onions we should buy. I want to see the northern lights with you. This is the crossroads at which we are fighting with each other today. I want both. We may be in a position to risk one for the other, or choose one without the other. I will choose you every day. I understand that there is a distance needed to see that this is not the end of our careers but the very beginning. I understand that even if I take this opportunity presented to me, there will always be another role around the corner which will take us places. Yet, all of those are clouds in the sky, and right now - all I am doing is breaking your heart, dashing your dreams, and being a disappointment in general.

As is my mandate, I did not get to see Amsterdam this time either. Came to Delft, and saw a bit of the Hague too. Pooja's college room mate has hosted me here, so will have Diwali dinner with her friends. The conversation this morning was full of excitement, asking about our love life and our marriage plans. I laughed as I recounted our proposal at Bessie (they're all tamil/Malayali so Bessie apparently holds a lot of love with them). 

Ps. It's too early to be already looking for apartments in Delhi, given I don't have an offer at hand yet, or even been asked to go back to Delhi. On the other hand, I recognize this is a good way of distracting yourself from the anxiety you must be facing right now. I will also explore honeymoon options if we are to take this route.

Pps.  நான் உன்னை காதலிக்கிறேன்.