96 Days to Go

"But nothing’s greater than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy, maybe, maybe."
- Leona Lewis, Keep Bleeding Love

This is another one of my favourite memories - the first time you met my parents when they knew about us, or at least suspected. You brought Aeyman and her sister too, and Vidhi was so worried that you weren't all dolled up for my mother. I also remember how Varsha and you raced me in the middle of the cancer walk - while all the other walkers gawked at us.

The distance that has caused us so much pain, has also given me a sure case of hallucinations. I now have a habit of seeing us in every passing couple - remembering our relationship in every relationship story I encounter. In the midst of this loneliness, your face, your imagined presence by my side fills me with the strength to go on. And when after all those months, I hug you... that first embrace is like a balm on the most gashing of wounds. Your breath on my face, your lips on mine, your arms around me - that is home to me. I vow to always be that home to you as well.

I visited the East side of London for the first time today. I got off at South quay and walked to the venue of the Diwali party, the home of one of my college seniors. I have to tell you - that moment walking up to that apartment, I wished that life had been more fair to us, that we could stay in London together, right there by the river, with the cold breeze on our backs and the moonlight reflected of the waters of the Thames. Her apartment was a reminder of the home that we would build, with faery lights all around, and cute decor options. It put a smile on my face - letting me forget our existential worries, and just lose myself in the fantasy of when we will have a home together, and host dinner parties.

Ps. I know this decision that we have to make is hard, and my indecision is not helping you - because whatever we choose will impact how you move forward. I wish I was a better partner to you - I wish I knew the right move to make.

Pps. Even as broken as the rest of me is, my love for you is whole.